No, we're not talking about Girl, Interrupted. Fuck, I haven't spoken to her since the awkward ending to our last encounter, although she has gone on a 'like' fest on my Facebook statuses. Me being the Facebook stalker I am, I know that normally means something, but I refuse to concede. I tried talking to her, and she didn't reply. Fuck her.
Man, I'm deviating already.
Anyway. Possibly the most embarrassing moment of my life occurred last Friday.
Determined to go out, I met my best mate and his missus (they actually split up not long after the Ex and I did, but have recently got back together). We went down the high street, popping in to the 'classy' establishments that Kings Heath has to offer.
Eventually we ended up in The Station, which has transformed amazingly over the last few years. It's now full of ostentatious assholes, rather than little chav pricks. Anyway, I'm digressing again.
The couple decided they were going to go home and have something to eat. Eating is cheating people, so I decided to call up my back-up and continue the night away before meeting back up with the two of them.
Joyfully, a few guys were going in to Moseley - the Bulls Head to be precise.
Now, I'm not really a fan of the BH. It normally plays Rasta music or hip-hop. I'm metal people. So I decided that I would spend my evening out on the balcony getting trashed and smoking copious amounts of cigarettes. A good, and bad choice that turned out to be.
Firstly, I bumped in to my sister's previous two ex-boyfriends, who were out together. My initial thought was "fuck, that's got to be weird". but that feeling soon subsided as the Red Stripe began to flow. Seriously folks, I'm nothing if not classy. So we got drinking, and Dave (the one before my sister's current boyfriend) just has this non-stop string of smoking hot ladies coming up and talking to him. He has a fucking glorious beard, it must have been for that reason.
Shortly before midnight, this one girl asks me for a smoke. A hipster. You know, oversized, pointless glasses frames, without the fucking lense in them? I oblige. I couldn't really say no. She departs back to her group of friends, and I'm back talking to the sister's ex's.
Because they both know of The Ex, they asked how she was, and on that note I told them what had happened. It must have been the alcohol, because I somehow got on to the fact that, well, the sex life has been quite dry.
*cue Hipster's friends turning round, grabbing my arm and pulling me over to their group*
At first, I was a little taken back by this. But then one of her friends whispered in my ear and told me that Hipster had recently split from her chap and was in need of a rebound fuck.
Jack. Pot.
We get talking, fuck knows what about...I wasn't really paying attention. But about half an hour later, she invites me back to her place.
Repeat. Jack. Pot.
And she was 18 years old. I felt like a male cougar (what is the male version of a cougar called, anyway?). Honestly, could this night get any better? No. It gets worse. A lot worse...
Shit. I've got to meet The Couple. God no, they'll understand - they've been told several times about my cobwebs down *there*. I know, I'll text him.
"Not meeting you later - and the following deserves constant full stops; I. Am. About. To. Get. Laid. YEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHH!"
*Send*
FUUUUCCCCCCKKKK!
Instead of replying to Sam's last message, I had clicked on my mother's last text. I had just told me mother I was going to get laid. In a desperate attempt to retract, I sent her another..."Please ignore last message and delete immediately!". Too late. It had woken her up.
And that was my Friday night done. Dying of embarrassment, and barely able to stand, I hopped in a taxi back home and cracked open a bottle of wine to drown my sorrows. Yep, I just left a guaranteed fuck because I had told my mother about it. Grow some fucking testicles Elf. I should have just gone with it. Wait, I didn't even get her number!
Double FUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK!
So the moral of this story is; if you're going to get laid, don't try and tell someone about it over a text. It won't end well. In fact, if out drinking, turn your fucking phone off and save yourself the embarrassment.
I'm down with some family getting drunk in Devizes this weekend. Let's see if I can get a country girl. Probably not.
Until next time, folks.
Evening, bloggers!
Haven't been blogging much lately. Mostly because I've been ill. I spent the weekend a couple of weeks ago with MS Mummy of Two and Rock And Roll Papa, along with their two beautiful daughters.
Unfortunately, it seems I picked up a bit of a cold from their eldest, having spent most of the weekend with her in my arms playing on her toy (which I got ridiculously addicted too, if I'm honest).
So with nothing going on in my life other thans copious amounts of medicine and Cornish Ice Cream (although I'm inclined to include this under 'medicine'), there really wasn't much to talk about!
Miss America seems to be hooking up with an old flame, putting my plans to seduce her, when I go over in a little under a month, on hold. Although, saying that, she has been flirting with me via WhatsApp...I'll of course keep you up to date with developments if there are any!
But on to the point of this blog...
If you recall from a previous post, I know I've not been a saint in my relationships. As Oscar Wilde once wrote, "I can resist everything, except temptation". This has never been more true than with a former colleague. Being a single mother at the time, I will refer to her from now on, as The MILF.
Insatiably attractive, and even even more so in the bedroom. I was hesitant at first when she made it clear she wanted me to take her for drinks. I was in a relationship, after all. But after just an hour and a half in the bar in the city centre, we were in the back of a black cab heading back to hers, tongues down each others throats.
What happened back at hers were, quite honestly, the best 8 hours of sexual experience in my lifetime - and still are. (Disclaimer: I didn't last 8 hours - I produced my 'end game' several times, although I'm no 30 second wonder either, I should stress...).
This happened again on another occasion, along with other encounters at the office.
But after a while, I was sent the following on Facebook;
"I'm despised at myself as i type this but god would i love to be sneaking off somewhere right now just to be sliding on to you xx i really can't even flirt anymore so please don't tempt me again, it has to stop for my sake now. Wish i was still single for times like these but i'm not now and it's important to me so i won't take this risk again. Truly loved every minute of you and will forever enjoy your humour but no more teasing! Loved my experience of you but goodbye lover, hello friend x x"
Naturally, my response was "Fair enough". What else could I say? She wanted to make her new relationship work, and I certainly didn't want to be the one to be responsible for it not working.
Anyway, she then un-friended me on Facebook (an unnecessary action, I may add). My old colleagues and I were all made redundant a couple of years ago as the company looked to outsource to Mumbai. But since then, we've been having re-unions as you do. She never turned up.
As it's my turn to arrange the next re-union, I thought I'd try my luck and add her again on Facebook so that I could invite her to the event. To my surprise, she accepted. Thinking nothing else of it, I didn't say or do anything else. This was nearly a week ago now.
Unfortunately, I own a BlackBerry. Anyone else that owns one knows that the battery is a piece of shit. It did however beat it's personal best of not needing to be charged for 14 whole fucking hours last weekend. You are probably thinking "Where is Elf going with this?". Well, it was just adding a bit of meat to the story, you see.
So I turned my phone on this morning, logged in to Facebook as I took my morning dump, still very, very sleepy. Shazzam! Trivium's "In Waves" blasted out of the speaker as i was informed I had received a message on Facebook. I've been doing a lot of networking for an amateur American Football Club I used to play for, so I thought nothing of it at first. But as I opened it up;
"How/why have you got to me again? I've been thinking about you for a while now and only brave enough to say it after a few drinkies! Would you meet up again if you had the chance? How are things with u now? Not quite sure anyone got to me quite the way you did x"
She certainly knows how to feed my ego, that's for sure. Another thing to note is that I often reminisce about our encounters when on a date with Mrs Palm and her 5 daughters, so admittedly a beaming grin grew across my face.
I told her that I would love to meet up again, and gave the usual chit chat about what I've been up to etc.
What I won't do though is go there again if she is in a relationship, no matter how strong the temptation is...
Stay tuned for the developments on the MILF front, folks. For now, I'm well again, which means I'm going out to get blind drunk tonight. See you soon.
